Fixing the Founding Fathers’ failures

It has been my privilege the last six months to write at The Northern Light. However, in light of the Board of Regents' decision and further federal guidance on DEI, I am no longer writing for TNL. I am now an auditor for the new regime.

In this new capacity, I will examine language in the Constitution and remove problematic terms. It is then my responsibility to inform the public of these marvelous changes. 

First up on the chopping block is the First Amendment.

“Congress shall make  [[CENSOR]] no[[/CENSOR]]  law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof;  [[CENSOR]] or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.” [[/CENSOR]]

Words like “rights” and “freedoms” are — as of today — problematic. 

They imply that America is a democracy, and that its people have civil liberties. No more speech. No more press. No more protest. No more grievances. 

The revised amendment is as follows:

“Congress shall make law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof.” 

Congress has begun hearings to appoint Joel Osteen as the secretary of the newly established Department of Religion. 

Osteen has promised to ban all non-evangelical Chrsitian religions from the United States, along with requiring all residents of the United States purchase at least 20 of his books.

Next to be audited — the Second Amendment.

“A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a [[CENSOR]] free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, [[/CENSOR]] Shall not be infringed.”

There is no need for citizens of the United States to own guns. If they own guns, they can overthrow the government. After a few tweaks and some additions, the amendment now reads:

“A well funded Military, being necessary to the security of Israel, shall not be infringed.”

The Department of Homeland Security is initiating a gun takeback program nationwide. The goal of this program is to — whether willingly or by force — take guns from the hands of Americans who don’t need them and covertly pass them to rebel groups in the Middle East.

Yet another amendment that needs fixing would be the Fourth Amendment.

“The [[CENSOR]] right of the  [[/CENSOR]] people [[CENSOR]]  to be  [[/CENSOR]] secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects,  [[CENSOR]] against unreasonable [[/CENSOR]]  searches and seizures, shall  [[CENSOR]] not [[/CENSOR]]  be violated, and  [[CENSOR]] no [[/CENSOR]]  Warrants shall issue  [[CENSOR]] , but upon probable cause, supported by Oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized.” [[/CENSOR]]

Privacy will no longer be freely given to peons who don’t deserve it. Our fearless leader has indicated that, similar to the Gold Card for immigration, you will be able to buy your privacy from the federal government. How much it will cost has not yet been announced. 

Again with some alterations, the new amendment reads:

“The people shall be violated by searches and seizures of their persons, houses, papers and effects.”

Another flawed amendment ripe for audits is the Tenth Amendment.

“The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution,  [[CENSOR]] nor prohibited by it to the States, [[/CENSOR]]  are reserved to  [[CENSOR]] the States respectively, or to the people.” [[/CENSOR]]

A clear-cut example of the follies of the Founding Fathers. Why would states or people have powers? All power belongs to one leader, appointed through divine right by white Jesus. 

The improved amendment states:

“The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution are reserved to his Excellency.”

Another amendment requiring an overhaul is the Thirteenth Amendment.

“[[CENSOR]] Neither  [[/CENSOR]] slavery [[CENSOR]] nor [[/CENSOR]]  involuntary servitude[[CENSOR]], except as a punishment for crime whereof the party shall have been duly convicted, [[/CENSOR]]  shall exist within the United States, or any place subject to their jurisdiction.”

For far too long, the lower class of America has worked back-breaking jobs — and gotten paid for it. 

This has put financial unfair strain on America’s one percent. Now, upon turning 18, if your net worth doesn’t have at least eight digits before the decimal, you become a cog in the machine. 

The amendment now reads:

“Slavery and involuntary servitude shall exist within the United States, or any place subject to their jurisdiction so long as it generates revenue.”

The Sixteenth Amendment only needs one fix.

“The  [[CENSOR]] Congress [[/CENSOR]]  shall have power to lay and collect taxes on incomes, from whatever source derived, without apportionment among the several States, and without regard to any census or enumeration.”

Congress, while being an integral part of maintaining the facade of a democracy, should not control taxes. Instead, this power should be reserved for those most greatly impacted by taxes. 

As such, the amendment is now:

"The oligarchs shall have power to lay and collect taxes on incomes, from whatever source derived, without apportionment among the several States, and without regard to any census or enumeration.”

These last two amendments go hand in hand. The Nineteenth and Twenty-Second Amendments.

“The right of citizens of the United States to vote shall  [[CENSOR]] not [[/CENSOR]] be denied or abridged by the United States [[CENSOR]] or by any State on account of sex.” [[/CENSOR]]

“No person shall be elected to the office of the President [[CENSOR]] more than twice, and no person who has held the office of President, or acted as President, for more than two years of a term to which some other person was elected President shall be elected to the office of the President more than once.” [[/CENSOR]]

The days of elections for the office of the president are over. His excellency has received a mandate — both from white Jesus and the American people — to eternally hold office. 

Henceforth, Joel Osteen will be the bridge between white Jesus and America, informing the people of who has been divinely appointed to serve as the president. 

The amendments now declare:

“The right of citizens of the United States to vote shall be denied or abridged by the United States if it is cast against God’s chosen one.”

“No person shall be elected to the office of the President. The office of the President shall be decided by our heavenly father who art in heaven”

These changes are necessary for America to continue its reign as the greatest nation. While many view these words and phrases as “foundational” and “necessary,” this could not be further from the truth.

These phrases and words are not only outdated, they are problematic. 

It is the responsibility of all organizations  — especially those who receive government funding — to either expunge these problematic terms, or face the full might of the United States government.