Supportive Relationships: Consent and Communication

Supportive relationships depend on each person feeling respected and heard. It’s important to communicate with your partner, friend or family member, to ensure they know how you feel. Through communication, we learn what the other person needs from the relationship, what is or isn’t ok with them and how that aligns with your needs.  

Communication establishes clear boundaries in relationships and is essential for consent. 

Consent within an intimate relationship is an informed and freely given agreement to participate in a specific activity. For consent to be informed, both people need to be honest and clear about what activities you would like to engage in — from kissing to back massages to sexual activities, everyone has some activities they’re comfortable with, and some they aren’t. 

Respecting a partner’s boundaries within consent is key to a supportive relationship, but how do you know if your partner is consenting or not? 

It’s easy to find out: Just ask! 

It may feel awkward to ask a partner “Is it ok if I kiss you? Is it ok if I touch you here?” However, it also fosters trust and can be less uncomfortable than moving ahead without consent or breaking a partner’s boundaries. 

Remember to ask for consent with each new activity, even if you have done that activity before, as people’s comfort or readiness may be different, or even change. 

Communication and consent are important steps in ensuring everyone in the relationship feels safe, respected, and cared for.

Feeling safe in a relationship includes physical safety, free from abuse like assault, as well as safety to share thoughts and boundaries without negative retaliation from the other person. 

In a healthy relationship, you shouldn’t feel afraid to tell a partner or friend no, set boundaries, or disagree. 

Healthy relationships include being able to have disagreements without fear of physical or emotional abuse. You should feel that your partner, friend, or family member respects you and what you have to say. 

At UAA, Peer Health Educators help teach students about topics that matter to them, including healthy relationships and the bystander effect. 

A Peer Health Educator at UAA said: “The way to get better and learn about the other person is by open communication. It is hard being vulnerable, but it is the only way to grow. It is amazing to be able to grow with someone. To satisfy someone’s desire’s fully and they satisfy yours is a beautiful thing. Explore the depths of each other’s minds. Falling in love with someone’s brain as well as their body is important.”

These are college-aged students who understand the complex circumstances that surround relationships and wish to help improve their fellow students’ lives. 

When asked what a supportive relationship looks like, one Peer Health Educator said:

 “A supportive relationship looks like an equal partnership with two humans who deeply care about each other. Being aware and considerate of the other person’s needs and desires is really important … It is healthy to step outside of one's comfort zone and explore with the person you are in a relationship with … Being in a relationship, each person will still need their own time. That is healthy and good. Each person still has their own friends and family to reach out to as well. Each person has their own separate hobbies and interests. Don’t lose that just because you’re in a relationship with someone who may be different than you. I think it is healthy to make space for each other’s differences and encourage each other in their pursuits. It helps when a partner is happy with the other person’s excitement. There is such beauty and ability to learn in having differences with someone. A supportive relationship looks like an increase in empathy, a widening of perspectives, dopamine from the physical aspect of interacting together, sharing of goals and direction and helping each other grow both together and separately.”

Hannah Guzzi works with the Alaska Department of Health’s Women’s, Children’s, and Family Health Division, as the Adolescent Health Program Specialist.  

When asked what a supportive relationship looks like, and what to do when a relationship is unsupportive, she said:

“Relationships can have a range of supportive, unsupportive, or abusive qualities. Supportive qualities are based on respect, healthy boundaries, and the ability for people to make decisions for themselves. Unsupportive and abusive qualities happen when a person tries to assert power and control over another. This could be, limiting what friends someone hangs out with, monitoring someone’s social media, or forcing someone to do something they don’t want to do. Disagreements can be a natural part of all relationships. However, if people can communicate how they feel, what their boundaries are, and listen to others, they can work through those challenges. If someone notices unsupportive or abusive qualities in their relationship, or doesn’t feel safe, they have the right to leave the relationship and seek help through friends, family, and statewide services. Everyone deserves to feel safe, heard, and respected in their relationships.”

There are many local resources available to learn more about supportive relationships and what to do when a relationship is unsupportive or abusive. 

The Healthy Relationship card is a great resource you can order for free through the iknowmine.org website. This card includes ideas of what a healthy versus unhealthy relationship is, consent, how to help a friend, and how to get help for yourself. 

A resource listed includes loveisrespect.org, a website that has resources for helping yourself or others with relationships. There are also options to call, text, or chat online with a representative to talk through your situation and be further connected with resources. 

Another resource is the Alaska-based website iknowmine.org. This website has a tab labeled “My Relationships” where people can find more information on navigating all kinds of relationships, including family and friendships. 

While many relationship resources are focused on teens and young adults, people of all ages can experience unhealthy relationships and deserve to be in respectful, supportive relationships. 

These resources can be utilized by people of all ages and are a good first step for people unsure of whether their relationship is supportive or not. 

Other resources for those experiencing abuse, including sexual abuse, can be found at https://andvsa.org/. You can also speak with UAA’s Student Health and Counseling Center to begin the process of finding help.