Detecting the love worth staying for

When in a relationship of any kind, arguing is inevitable. But frustrating nights should eventually end in comfort, communication and safety.

Detecting unhealthy and abusive habits while in a relationship can be difficult. The situation can be even more difficult to leave once these behaviors are recognized.

The Northern Light spoke with UAA psychology professor Dr. Jennifer Poon and doctoral student Lauren Kiker about unhealthy or abusive behaviors in a relationship.

Kiker is in the third year of her thesis, which is focused on understanding college students' attitudes toward domestic violence. Kiker is also experienced in providing couples therapy.

Kiker said domestic violence is not always black and white. We often try to attribute blame to either a perpetrator or a victim, but these extremes are not always accurate in describing abuse within a relationship.

Kiker said in many escalating situations between partners in an unstable relationship, some form of violence is experienced on all sides.

These notions of a black or white extreme in abuse can be harmful to those who may question their relationship, she said.

“So, (we’re) trying to think about how we can kind of create domestic violence interventions, prevention efforts, that get at what people actually experience, and therefore are better able to prevent domestic violence,” said Kiker.

Kiker said some signs to look for in a relationship are the meeting of needs by your partner(s). When people try to communicate a physical or emotional need and that need is not being heard, it can be a large red flag.

Kiker added that unhealthy communication patterns, such as getting shut down or a conversation that escalates into a fight, could become worrisome. 

“Just anyone that doesn't feel safe or heard in a relationship,” said Kiker.

Kiker said partners can have difficulty in feeling the freedom to leave an unstable relationship. Even though someone may know they are experiencing abusive interactions, they may feel stuck, trapped or unaware that relationships can be healthier because of previous experiences or earlier representations of unstable relationships among family or friends.

Poon said that many relationship problems are perpetual and can be nearly impossible to resolve. An example is when one partner is extroverted while others are introverted, which can lead to disagreements in how to spend their time.

Another issue Poon mentioned is financial differences, such as one's willingness to spend money while another partner may be more conservative with their spending.

Kiker added that largely different life-plans with no compromise can have a foreshadowing effect of an end to a long-term relationship.

Poon explained the “four horseman” of the love apocalypse. The subject was coined by a couple named the Gottmans. The four horsemen are criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling. 

Poon said stonewalling is a complete shutdown and withdrawal from a conversation as opposed to a healthy break to collect thoughts and emotions. 

Poon added that exploring different relationship structures is valuable in understanding what you want out of life in romantic and sexual endeavours.

Consensual non-monogamous relationships and relationships falling along the LGBTQ spectrum can feel stigmatized when asking for help.

Poon said most research on relationships consists of two-party heteronormative samples, and does not address many people who may be impacted by unhealthy relationship dynamics.

Although the research is lacking in variable literature, having compassion for yourself is crucial when taking the steps to ask for help.

“And I think there's a lot that heteronormative monogamous couples can learn from people in alternative relationship structures, your same sex relationships, your poly relationships,” said Poon.

Healthy relationship habits include interacting with your partner’s bids for attention, generous loving attention and feeling like there are more good or neutral times than bad. 

Even if partners in a relationship have a lot of conflict, the repair process — how you are treated and how you treat others in that conflict and repair — is crucial to a healthy relationship.

Poon recommended a book titled “The High Conflict Couple.” She said the book is a great piece of literature to help people work on and validate themselves as well as their partner or partners.

Kiker added that a book titled “Polywise” could also be a beneficial read for people in non-monogamous and LGBTQ relationships.

There are many local resources in the Anchorage area, as well as at UAA, to discuss relationships or leaving unhealthy situations, but this can be an unnerving, uncomfortable and scary experience for anyone experiencing abuse. 

“So, people can go to shelters, shelters that accept children and pets. People can apply for financial aid resources. But these are huge, scary steps to make, and it's okay if you're not ready to make them, or if you're too scared to make them right now,” said Kiker.

Kiker added, “Working up to them, maybe by talking to friends or a counselor can be really helpful, but also that can be really serious to have that conversation for the first time. It means that we have to face saying it out loud, possibly for the first time, and it's a really scary thing to do. So it's okay to be wherever you are, and it's okay to be scared.”

UAA can assist with individual therapy, couples therapy and other forms of help through the Psychological Services Center and the Student Health and Counseling Center located on campus.

In emergency situations, please call 911. The National Domestic Violence Hotline can also provide support: (800)-799-7233.