How to stay in love once you fall

We all change over time. The person you were six years ago has now become a character in your memory, while the thoughts and emotions you had at the time have transitioned into a moment in time that no longer exists.

Whether that is good news or an unfortunate reality, we will change throughout our lives.

So how do we make these life-altering milestones life-long with your partner or partners when we are constantly changing as individuals?

The Northern Light spoke with UAA psychology professor Dr. Jennifer Poon and doctoral student Lauren Kiker about relationships that develop at a young age.

The premise of "young love" often is treated with skepticism in Western society.

Poon said that young adults who fall in love at a young age often experience a lack of respect toward their relationship from external perspectives.

“In general, young love is kind of derided by society and adults like, ‘oh, puppy love,’ ‘you have no idea what love is,’ ‘you're just crazy with your hormones,” said Poon.

Poon recognized that the average age of American citizens to get married for the first time is around the age of 28 to 30 for both men and women.

But the relationships you have at a young age are still deserving of respect from older peers. The formative, vulnerable transitory years of adolescence and young adulthood are important in discovery, even if those relationships do not last.

Poon said many partners decide to get married for financial incentives, affordable housing, parental pressures or a wide variety of incentivized reasons other than the distinction of love.

“Marriage is also a driver of the increased inequity between the rich and the poor and the have and have-nots,” said Poon.

But love is a force beyond government approval or law. Marriage is a symbol, but your relationship with the one(s) you love is what signifies true meaning.

Poon said that in Western society, we often envision an image of the perfect marriage as a heteronormative couple, two kids and a white picket fence. 

But the “perfect” relationship is the one with “generous loving attention,” a feeling of comfort and safety.

Healthy relationship habits include interacting with your partner’s bids for attention, generous loving attention and feeling like there are more good or neutral times than bad. 

Even if partners in a relationship have a lot of conflict, the repair process, how you are treated and how you treat others in that conflict and repair is crucial to a healthy relationship.

Poon explained that in a healthy relationship, partners should be attentive and responsive to each other's bids for attention, even if they are unable to engage every time.

This could involve one partner pointing out a bird flying by, and the other partner(s) acknowledging the bird and engaging in short conversation. Healthy responses to bids for attention demonstrate emotional attunement, instead of ignoring or dismissing your partner's attempts to connect. 

According to research by the National Library of Medicine, “Couples who slept, ate, and exercised together more frequently had better health and stronger health concordance than couples who engaged in fewer joint health routines.”

Poon said maintaining independence in a relationship can be difficult, but is needed for many people’s emotional regulation. A secure relationship will have the freedom to feel independent together.

All of these feelings, bids for attention, healthy habits and eating delicious meals together are something every young adult has to learn and experience.

Kiker said many young adults are on a growth journey and some relationships can begin to feel stagnant if you feel your partner or partners are not growing with you in their own way. 

“If you feel like someone is not growing with you, not changing with you, not accepting who you are growing into, that can be a really big red flag,” said Kiker.

Poon added that every relationship is different by region, culture, religion, personal experience and everything in between.

“I don’t think growth is incompatible with a relationship but it is easier to kind of get complacent and stagnant. There’s lots of research on doing novel things with your partner like ‘spice it up and it gets that adrenaline going,’” said Poon.

There is an understanding in love, in whatever form it may take shape. Friendship should feel fulfilling and romance should heal what it can. 

Poon mentioned that love will communicate and influence personal growth, not hinder it. It will help you recognize your own potential. You will not always agree, but love will always speak to you with respect.

It is okay to fall out of love with someone as we develop in some of our most formative years.

But it is also okay to love someone with every fiber of your being at a young age. Young and healthy relationships will last if you commit to your feelings with daily decisions to do right by your partner or partners.