Super Hard News

Most of my readers know by now that it is pretty uncommon for an article to be written by me that is actually hard news. I write columns such as movie and restaurant reviews, my advice column and the occasional piece about social life on campus. Well, over the last year or so, I have been told that I need to focus more on becoming a real journalist who reports on hard-hitting news coverage. That is why I have decided to deliver my readers some super hard friggin' news in this sex edition. 

What is this super hard news you might ask? Well, recently, the Adult Video News — AVN — awards were hosted in Las Vegas on Jan. 25. I have decided to fill my audience with knowledge about the leaps and strokes adult stars have been making in the business. So sit down, strap-on and buckle up because this is about to be a wild ride sure to last more than eight seconds. 

This article will break down the biggest names in the industry and tell you what they’ve been getting up to — or going down on — in the last year. 

The top performers of the year are all separated into three different categories. Trans, female, and male performers. The top trans performer this year was Brittney Kade, the top female performer of the year was Anna Claire Clouds and the top male performer of the year was Vince Karter. Congratulations to each of these stars and starlets. We here at The Northern Light understand how hard you’ve had to work to come out on top. 

However, no one has had to work harder than some of the old pros of the industry. The AVN Awards have a dedicated category to MILF performer of the year. So here’s to all of you with an Oedipus complex: Cherie DeVille won the MILF Performer of the Year, proving that she can be just as suck-cessful as the younger performers. 

Of course, as we all know, no porn flick would be complete without the emotional support actress/actor. So the awards for Best Supporting Actress and Actor go to Chanel Camryn and Nathan Bronson. Thanks for being on set — even if your clothes did stay on. 

A personal favorite award of mine this year is the award for the most clever title. This year’s winner was a film titled “My Talking Penis Told Me To Fuck My Step-Mom.” Oh porn, please go back to being ridiculous like you were in the old days. I miss Johnny Sins mopping plants in the background. This title reminds me of that old school humor, although I have not actually verified the ridiculousness of this film first hand. 

Unfortunately, the AVN Awards do not have a category dedicated to male/male performances. However, they do have categories for girl/girl, trans, and boy/girl. Not all titles can be as good as the Most Creative Title of the year though, like the winner of the best girl/girl scene, titled “Titwoman vs Titwoman.” Derogatory, unfunny, and uncreative, but congratulations to Blake Blossom and Octavia Red for their win in the category.

The best trans film of the year is titled: “D.O.L.L.S.” Congratulations to Siri Dahl, Avery Jane, Leana Lovings, Zariah Aura, Eva Maxim and Khloe Kay for their success this year.

The best boy/girl scene of the year with a horrible name is “Kink Label Volume 3,” and stars Chris Diamond and Angel Windell. So congratulations to them on your shining achievement. Really though, the whole industry needs to start putting more effort into the names and creativity of their films. 

Now, for the awards that everyone has undoubtedly been waiting and edging on their seats for — the fan selections. I don’t know about you, but I have never been horny enough to submit a comment on PornHub, let alone vote for the AVN Awards. But thankfully, there are some dedicated fans out there, so I get to see all of the submissions without putting in any effort. Just like sex with an overly eager dom. 

I won’t go through every category, since there are so many, and I am sure most of the readers are eager to investigate these winners and do some super-hard journalism for themselves. So let’s just have a quickie. 

Angela White won the fan vote for favorite female pornstar of the year. Milan Ponjevic won the fan vote for favorite male pornstar of the year. Daisy Taylor won the fan vote for favorite trans pornstar of the year. Dan Dangler won the fan vote for the hottest porn newcomer. And lastly, Eliza Ibarra won the fan vote for unsung darling. 

There are many other winners of different AVN Awards categories, but sadly, we just don’t have enough in the tank to cover them all right now. That is now your job. Go cover them all. Get messy, make a whole night of it. Buy a candle and some flowers. Treat yourself tonight — you deserve it. 

This was some super hard news, and that can be a lot to handle. Take — or get — a load off. Relax. And be sure to cum again.